When we last left the Israelites, they had sent a team of spies into the Promised Land. They saw an awesome spot in general, but one that was occupied by people who clearly appreciated what an awesome spot they had and had built up some pretty solid defenses, etc.
Which, and I believe I'm quoting the original Hebrew here, sucked.
At least, it really sucked for those 10 of 12 who had, I suppose, forgotten that they were alive because (and only because) they were operating under the auspices of the creator of the universe who could, and did, perform all manner of terrible and/or awesome miracles to keep them that way.
You read that right, by the way, 10 of 12. Only two actually had the cojones to look at the good stuff there and think "boy, it'll be nice when God gives this land to us," instead of the more popular reaction: "AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Caleb and Joshua, Emmett and Austin - to-may-to, to-mah-to...
So those 10 bring back a decidedly negative report about giants, etc, roaming the land and how impossible it'd be for them to go into it and how they're all going to die like tiny insects under the feet of the giant-men, and Israel collectively responds with the ancient near-east equivalent of a melodramatic teenage Facebook status updated.
Yup... pretty sure that's how it went...
Their reaction, while not entirely uncharacteristic, is sort of lame, because while they're pulling the (by this time quite tired) WHY DID YOU BRING US HERE TO DIE!!! I WISH WE'D DIED IN EGYPT!!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM!!! card, they're explicitly acknowledging that God (through Moses, some of the time) is the only reason they've made it this far, but they're still flipping out over some big dudes across the river.
So God loses it a bit, and who can blame Him? Luckily for the Israelites, Moses talks Him down, so that all that happens is that they're told they're now not allowed to actually go into the land that they just a second ago were screaming about having to go in to because of the large, scary men that lived there, and they - wait for it - go absolutely nuts. Again.
Now, suddenly, they're chock full of spit and vinegar, and are hell-bent to get into the land, with or without God's help. So off they rush to the top of a hill, while Moses is sitting there going "Guys, I'm just not sure you want to do that..." (in what I can only assume is his best Woody Allen impersonation...) only to be whomped severely by the aforementioned huge local men.
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So after this somewhat predictable end for the whining-turned-stupid-disguised-as-brave Israelites, God gives some more laws for when they eventually do get in to the land, somebody is killed for collecting firewood (?!??!?!! -- it's true...) and an entire group of people is swallowed up by the Earth itself because they wanted to be awesome super-priests too.
If I didn't hate him so much, I'd say that Michael Bay would be the perfect choice to direct Numbers: The Movie.
But I do. So it must never happen.
Ever.
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