Judges 13-16 - Samson's got more than 99 problems...

The readings - Days 82 and 83 - Judges 13-16

So in the interest of full disclosure, I'm veering away from the actual reading chunks delineated by my reading program, which has chapters 13-15 on day 82 and 16-18 on day 83. Since 13-16 is the story of Samson, and an ending of sorts within the book of Judges, it just makes more sense to be to break it up this way.

Anyway, moving on.

If you run a Google image search for "Samson," here are three images that show up at the top of the list:

You want to know how I picture Samson after re-reading his story today?

I swear, if they ever make a Samson movie, Patrick Warburton had better play him, and he'd better use his years of David Puddy experience to do it.

This man was... not smart. He was huge, yes. Well, he was strong anyway, and he was undoubtedly hardcore. After all, the man not only killed a lion with his bare hands on the way to fetch himself a wife, but on the return trip, he fought off a swarm of bees for a handful of honey made inside the corpse of the same lion to munch on while he walked.

*side note, I really like that the author of the book took the time to let us in on the fact that Samson didn't tell his parents that he'd just served them "lion's corpse" honey. Sort of an ancient near-east version of Candid Camera or Just For Laughs Gags. Good stuff, Samson.

He was also a judge, one of God's chosen liberators for his repetitively stupid Chosen People, for 20 years.

The interesting thing about Samson's tenure as judge is that he doesn't seem to have actually freed the people from anybody. The Philistines were oppressing them, and the Philistines were still around after Samson was dead. He seems to have been much more guerrilla freedom fighter than independence army general - a distinct departure from the usual Judges tradition built up so far, and a somewhat ominous foreshadowing of the future of the Israelite's status in the region.

Also, as is fairly well known, Samson had - to put it mildly - girl problems.

His wife, the daughter of a Philistine, sold him out over a bet at a giant party he threw. Now, to be fair, the guys who were going to lose the bet threatened to burn her father's house down if she didn't help them, so there's that. And Samson wasn't exactly the most gracious loser in history. After hearing that they'd solved his riddle (can we just pause for a moment to appreciate what a jerk Samson was in posing this riddle in the first place? Who's going to guess "bees made a hive in the corpse of a lion that you killed on the side of the road and made honey in it for others to eat" as the answer to anything ever?) he decided to pay up his thirty linens, etc, by just going out and killing people until he'd collected enough to pay his debt.

Anyway, then he goes and gets himself a prostitute, which the Philistines find out about right away - the man seems to have garnered himself a reputation - and attempt to trap him there while the city's gates were closed for the night. Somewhat cornered, Samson takes a slightly unsophisticated (but admittedly quite effective) tack, and just rips the giant city doors off their hinges and leaves in the middle of the night.

And then we get to Delilah, who (and I'm quoting THE BIBLE here) "annoyed his soul to death" (16:16) until he finally told her that the secret to his amazing strength was in his majestic locks. Then she collected her fabulous wealth in bribes (remember how Judas sold Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver, thousands of years after this story takes place? Delilah earned herself 1,100 pieces from each of the lords of the Philistines. They're not numbered specifically, but they are they, so that's at least 2,200 piece for giving a man a haircut. Not bad...) and went on her way.

The thing that really blew me away, though, was being reminded of just how thick Samson was through the whole Delilah thing. He seems really savvy, having given her false information after he not-exactly-subtle attempts to "trick" him into telling her his secret. You know, when she just asked him how she could defeat him? Yeah that.

And then, sure enough, as soon as he tells her how it works, he "mysteriously" gets attacked by Philistines. You'd think after the first time there'd be at least a mental note on Samson's part to stop telling this gal anything, but he does it three more times.

You know, now that I think about it, maybe the whole tale of Samson is actually meant as a story with a subtext that subverts the usual patriarchal assumptions of the region and time. Samson's dad wasn't exactly a tack either, don't forget:

Him: "AAAAAAAH! We've seen the face of God! We're going to die!!!!"
His wife: "I think if God wanted to kill us we'd likely already be dead..."
Him: "Oh. I guess that makes sense."

So Samson, the manliest man of all men and mankind, who kills lions for fun and then snacks on the sweet bee-created goodness within their corpses, is essentially a simpering, dupable fool once pitted against a truly determined woman.

There's a lesson there, I think, and I don't think I'm actually that far off.

But I'll let Harry Belafonte explain it - he does it better, and through song!